I have mixed feelings about an ongoing music project I've been doing. At the beginning of every month, I make a new playlist of music to set the energy. It's a great reason to explore new artists, genres, and different moods every few weeks or so. I love doing it and it's something I look forward to. Then, at the end of the month, I will illustrate my top songs in a little playlist drawing. I enjoy this opportunity to get creative hands-on and not just through making playlists. When I draw, I like to stick to a theme or idea and let that lead the way. It's neat, and I'd like to share where this project has led me so far. I've been doing it since the beginning of 2020 and have listened to a lot of new music since then. At the end of the post, I'll share the 2020 illustrations because I just have never shared them anyplace other than social media before. What's particularly interesting was getting my 2021 Spotify wrapped and seeing how computerized listening data compares to my conscious top music choices for the year. I'd like to share it here because it seems what I listen to most is not my favorite. I can imagine that is the same for others as well and their Spotify wrapped data. I tried to listen to my Spotify wrapped playlist of top 100 most played songs, and, unfortunately, I could not get through it without feeling overwhelming anxiety. Many of these songs comforted me when I was not doing well, so I ended up playing them on repeat, especially in the beginning of the year when I could play music while working. Most of these songs, my own top playlist creations included, put me back to feeling unhappiness and unease when I play them again. I can't get through the wrapped playlist and that deeply saddens me because I really look forward to it all year long. It's pretty common to have memories surface upon hearing a song and it bring back your exact feeling while existing in that memory. I wish most of mine were happy. I've really relied on this creative project to motivate me through the pandemic and through more. Last year, when things were rough for different reasons, creating these playlists and drawings were quite literally the only things I looked forward to doing for months. I'm proud of them. To me, they represent consistency, effort, passion, exploration, creativity, and simple fun when everything else in the world feels complicated. This passion project has enriched my life, and it gives me a reason to keep trying. It's like a musical journal, and I like that. I have always sought ways to translate an auditory, emotional experience like music into a visual experience. That why I started the playlists. Originally, I was inspired when I volunteered to be interviewed at my local radio station where I was a DJ and made playlists/sets regularly. They interviewed different DJs who specialized in various genres to get breadth and depth of musical flavor. It was cool and interesting. I still have a printed copy of my appearance in the little zine they made :') precious. They had me do a a visual playlist, so I took that idea and made it my own (shout out KDVS). Now that 2021 is going to be over with - finally - I wanted to share what I chose for my thematic song of the year. I would encourage anyone to think about their top thematic songs for 2021 or albums or whatever works. Since it's just for fun, so it could be favorite happiest songs, ones that motivated the most, ones that lyrics hit close to home, or something else. My theme song for 2021 is The Sonder Bomb's Crying is Cool. Crying is Cool - The Sonder Bombs
I was planning on choosing top five songs of the year, but it didn't really feel right. Instead, I would like to present my favorite album released in 2021. This album has been the music reel to my entire year. Each song reminds me of a different moment in time. Her entire discography has been consistently in my playlists this year, and I loved it. Each song is personally important and not because of accolades or some musical criteria someone somewhere decided was important. These are my favorites this year, and I love all the songs. Ry Ry My WorldRIP - Mariah the Scientist
And if I told you, "The world is yours" I added a couple bonus albums I felt were also significant. Good music is hard to leave out (links to album on YouTube). If Orange was a Place - Tems Sueños de Dalí - Paloma Mami Something for the Hotties - Megan Thee Stallion Sour - Olivia Rodrigo Below are the 2020 visual playlists I made. I didn't know when I started this project that it would be carry me through a worldwide pandemic, but I'm very glad I started it. With the music I pick, I make an effort to focus on smaller artists, women, people of color, and lgbt artists. This is not a strict guideline for what makes it or what doesn't, but that's the direction I aim for. I like to think sharing my creative interests might inspire someone else to be creative or think creatively in their own way. Maybe, I won't ever know. I have been thinking a lot about what growth in the creative aspects of my life could look like in the upcoming year. I want to share more musically creative things and to keep growing toward something that leaves me feeling good. There's a lot of different areas to get creative in music: learning an instrument, designing album covers, expressing music in your body i.e. dance, and just so much more. I'm really looking forward to sharing. Here's to just keep trying - we'll see how it goes. This is my New Years song send off, into 2022 we go. Thanks for hangin out, hope you enjoyed. Happy New Year Goodbye - Marina
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I had a lot written out for this post, but I will say this, I reached so many low points this year - cried over something newly terrible every month that broke my heart, caused me severe anxiety, made me depressed. I tolerated too much and said we could get through it. But it was imagination of what we could be instead of what we were.
For now, I know I tried my best to support someone and in the process tolerated so much unkind behavior until I had nothing left to give. I now know what it feels like to give someone energy who takes but doesn't return it. Unfortunate lesson to learn, but I don't regret the love I showed. That is never a waste. I can't do anything for someone who won't make the effort to help themselves (meaning seeking help they need, accepting help, stating needs, learning triggers, communicating them, etc). My experience thus far has shown me it's hard to have a good relationship without it. Avoiding your internal climate only hurts yourself for longer and it hurts the people who care around you because they just want to understand.
As a Communications major, coming from a leader & facilitator of a college mental health club for years, someone who currently goes to therapy, and is a cancer, I can do feelings. I'm not afraid of them or anyone else's because I care. I just ask and expect open and honest communication. When working towards a good mental health state feels insurmountable, that is when communicating needs is even more important. It's sharing more of yourself with people who matter in your life. Things like boundaries, space, discomforts, likes, triggers, they all matter and it makes life easier when your partner is on the same page for what matters to you too. I feel like the song below is a good example of hearing this in action. (kind of kidding about the cancer thing but also maybe astrology has it figured out idk it's fun)
All the previous content still stands with the understanding that mental health is never an excuse to be a mean person. People around you don't have to accept disrespectful behavior regardless of the reason behind it. It's really the same side of the coin as above. I respect my time, energy, and mental space enough to know when someone is devaluing me, I don't need to prove to someone why they should. What's done is done already. While I'm not an expert or anything, masking unspeakable behavior behind mental health and trying to dictate a relationship on their terms alone is unkind regardless of reasoning. I Love You But I Love Me More - Marina, Beach Bunny
Music has been consistent, reliable, understanding when life felt unbelievably horrible this year. The world would be worse off without people who are willing to be vulnerable in art. Feelings are hard, situations are complicated, life is messy. Processing to me means letting myself feel what asks for my attention then letting go. Avoiding is ugly because it represses and neglects. Being attentive to yourself is beautiful because it cultivates and grows.
I make every effort to be a kind and understanding person, an active listener, all the good stuff. One of my long time favorite quotes is "Be kind - you never know what battles someone are fighting," or something like that. What I am not cool with is someone continually pushing how far that kindness extends. I am kind until you start taking advantage of this fact, I expect kindness and respect from others because I know I can reciprocate the same energy. But dismissing my efforts, time, energy showing how I care to then question my character to top it off is insulting and the perfect storm for receiving a different treatment from me. When I push back, I'm bringing everything I got, and I don't care to be gentle anymore. You had your chance speak kindly and show me that you can treat me with the same level of kindness I've been treating you. Nah. When it gets here, I've tried everything in my communication tool belt, I'm exhausted from trying to find some middle ground and being met with stone walls. Something turns the tide to ignite a flame - some last choice that is the final straw for me. Honestly, it's a super rare occurrence, but there is a threshold for what a kind person will tolerate. It's not that fun really because it feels out of character to react this way. Standing up for myself protects my mental health and builds character, so it is what is is.
I appreciate artists who do the hard work by letting us listen to their hearts in our ears. It makes connecting to our own feelings a bit easier in the best and the worst ways. There is honesty and empathy here. Something interesting I've been thinking about recently is how honesty without empathy is cruelty. While the truth may not be kind, not considering how it will be received is avoidance and uncaring. Just something I've been thinking about. I think I've said enough for now. and will leave with that. These are my favorite songs right now that are relevant in addition to the ones above. Favorite Crime makes me cry every time I listen to it without fail. Hope you found something meaningful here and maybe a cool new song to listen to. Bonus songs: adcedfu (angier) - gayle my sister - shaybo, jorja smith I can break your heart too - the aces mad - zolita butterflies - kailee morgue none of your concern - jhene aiko favorite crime - olivia rodrigo favorite crime - olivia rodrigoKnow that I loved you so bad Because this is my music blog, I will be as messy or emotional as I want to be, and this the healthy outlet I am trying to choose. You have been warned. This story expressed via music is not shiny or happy. Channeling pain through art is therapeutic which is why there are historically so many songs about love and heartbreak. Artists often say things better than we know the words for or didn't know we needed to hear. I don't feel ashamed, guilty, or embarrassed because I have experienced something painful. I know what I gave was genuine and loving. Receipts don't lie, and I can back it up. Ignoring any upset and hurt feelings because I want to seem unaffected or okay would be a facade. Avoiding complicated feelings will only make the healing process worse. I want to process and get through it as soon as possible. In order to get through it, I must grow through it. Here are great songs that hit a little too close during these hard times - Rock/Punk/Pop edition: Nine Months - Annie DiRusso The first thing you said the night we met is I was beautiful Pot & Kettle - The Sonder Bombs I wish jokes didn’t apply to me but now they do Dang. - The Childlike Empress Oh god I fell for it again $5 Subtweet - Pool Kids You remind me of Good 4 U - Olivia Rodrigo Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily I don't feel bad at all for laying it all out like this. You know what does make me feel bad? The awful things I tolerated because I wanted so badly for things to work things out together. It wasn't worth it in the end. I should've seen it when-
-The person I'm seeing goes on three trips with their ex while seeing me in the beginning, stated they didn't think about my reaction to these events, lied & hid about who was going on the trip, continued to include their ex in family vacations, and expected me to proceed like we were still cool. -I developed severe anxiety after they shared they had a romantic relationship with someone they worked with who I had to see, interact with regularly and who they still wanted to be friends with. I was supposed to be okay with that. In hindsight, at this point, I didn't trust them anymore. -We visited a store where I saw something that made me exuberantly excited and was expressing that feeling. Later they told me that my authentic expressive joy nearly gave them a panic attack. -Six months into seeing me - less than two weeks after asking me to formally be their girlfriend - they post an Instagram story stating they're still heartbroken over their previous ex, and when I ask them about it, they said they forgot to block me from seeing their story. -They couldn't verbally communicate their needs to me and expected me to read their mind and body language. There is so much more, this barely scratches the surface. Even after being treated like garbage, it still sucks to lose someone you had some good memories with. Too bad all the shitty things really didn't outweigh it. It adds flavor to the situation to see so many of the sweet things I did for them be recycled and used with the new girl. Maybe things will be better for them. Here are some more sad and spicy songs getting me through it: -Traitor: Olivia Rodrigo _ "Loved you at your worst But that didn't matter It took you two weeks To go off and date her" -Drunk Voicemail: Pom Pom Squad_"You always know how to make me sad" -Hide My Face: Acid Ghost _"When you're loving somebody You are simply delighting in that person as such" -Atom: The Sonder Bombs _"Well I'm sure you have a reason for all of your rage But that doesn't mean I have to like it" |
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